an open letter to anyone who will read it about some assholes I am having to deal with:

this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, I am engaged to my best friend. I have found the one person who I want to spend the rest of my life with and she makes me happier than a bird with a french-fry. She knows how to calm me down when I am upset and knows how to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. But, you choose to focus on the fact that I am engaged to a woman? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? You being an asshole is a choice, who I love is not. Get over yourself. You are using the same biblical arguments against my marriage as people were using 50 years ago against segregation. Also, no matter how hard you try you can’t pray away the gay. Promise. 

We are getting married and soon (but probably too late) you are going to regret how you have treated us. You are going to see that is not a phase, that I am happy, and most importantly that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I can understand that you don’t want us to live together because we’re not married, but we’re working on changing that. You can’t talk about how much you “love me” and then say horrible things about me. I am not going back to the “old Catie.” I don’t want to be that depressed, no clue what I want to do with my life, confused woman. I LOVE who I am and who I am becoming. So have fun living in the denial and I will have fun living my life with my amazing fiancée. (yes, with 2 “e’s.”)

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still figuring it all out

and I probably won’t have it figured out for a hot minute (most likely, longer). I know that I want to start posting more, take more pictures, and read more books. over the past couple of months I have read 7 books. I plan on reading a lot more before the school year is over:

the casual vacancy

seriously… I’m kidding

bossypants

cinderella ate my daughter

winter’s tale

safe haven

and the game of thrones series.

if you have any suggestions for me to add to my list, let me know!

not my best idea

watching father of the bride while home alone with my cats. 

also, “big house red” is a great red blend. 

seriously, not my best idea in the world. 

my girlfriend needs to come home. 

and I’m pretty sure I’m going to watch “father of the bride, part II” next. 

she definitely needs to come home to deal with the mess that I am. 

the hamster wheel

lately I’ve felt that I have just been running on a hamster wheel. that no matter how much work I think I’ve done, I haven’t moved. 

at all.

I feel that I’m just running in circles and getting nowhere. that if I look at where I was 6 months ago the only that has changed is my address. don’t get me wrong, I am happy that I have moved and even happier that I now live with my best friend (and I’m beyond lucky that I am in love with my best friend). it’s just that everything else seems to be shit. 

I feel like I’m running towards a goal that I will never reach, that i will always be stuck on this hamster wheel. working towards the finish line only to realize that I am still at the starting point. 

the worst part is that I know that I have to keep running on the damn wheel. hopefully the wheel might turn into a path and the running will became better. 

working in corporate america

has got to be on the worst decisions that I have ever made. (and I once thought it would be smart to dye my hair from it’s natural blonde to black). but, it has taught me to be thankful that I have a job, to type fast(er), and what I actually want to do with my life. 

I am currently studying to the GRE, applying to graduate programs, and daydreaming more than usual. middle school life here I (hopefully!!!) come! 

middle school students are trying to figure out if school is cool and I want to be the teacher that shows them that it is. also, middle school students are going through their awkward stage and since my life is my awkward stage, we’ll be able to make it through middle school together.

I went to a magnet middle school and was enough to have teachers that loved their job (or at least had us convinced they did). hopefully, I’ll be able to help students find their love for learning and make sure that they know that they are special and loved. 

so I’m hoping that this time next year I will be student teaching as a master at teaching: middle level education student!! 

another day of rain

rain. rain. and then more rain. but, the weather here fits my mood perfectly. with a little bit of sunshine and a couple glasses of wine I’m hoping for the best. 

but seriously, this quarter life crisis thing has got to stop. (and yes a quarter life crisis is a real thing). I just want to be able to pressure the career that I am meant to have. is it my fault that it look so long for me to figure out what I “want to be when I grow up?” obviously, yes I should have taken more gen. ed. classes in college and asked more questions (and figured myself out) more, but that’s in the past. now it’s just time to figure all (or at least some) of this out.

the best part though has got to be the fact that I have my best friend by my side and to hold me when I have panic attacks in the middle of the night. she’s the bees knees.  

“she keeps me warm” (thank you mary lambert)

She says I smell like safety and home
I named both of her eyes “Forever” and “Please don’t go”
I could be your morning sunrise all the time, all the time yeah
This could be good, this could be good

And I can’t change, even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change, even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm, she keeps me warm

What’s your middle name?
Do you hate your job?
Do you fall in love too easily?
What’s your favorite word?
You like kissing girls?
Can I call you baby?
Yeah, yeah

She says that people stare ‘cuz we look so good together
Yeah, yeah, yeah

And I can’t change, even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change, even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm, she keeps me warm 

I’m not crying on Sundays, I’m not crying on Sundays 
Love is patient, love is kind 
My love, my love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm, she keeps me warm

-“she keeps me warm” by mary lambert

 

this song makes my heart happy (and makes me think of my love every time I listen to it)